i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
