She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He better not be in your backpack
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
