then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
