I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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