Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
