I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
