dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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