Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.