I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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