mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.