Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?