I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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