Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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