i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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