I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
