if you like me you must not know who I am
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
