so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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