this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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