Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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