so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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