so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
