I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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