I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
