Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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