I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
birth control should be required to get into college
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
