I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
