I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Come on in and take your pants off
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