Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
