My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
