I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
