i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You're like the curious george of whores
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
