My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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