Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
