my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
