Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
