His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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