how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
