the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
they're like a gay fantastic four
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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