I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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