i think my tv is drunk
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
