take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
