Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
