If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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