America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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