What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
