Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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