I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This is the prime rib incident all over again
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
