obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
