just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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