i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
