"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
