Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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