I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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