her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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