he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
