Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
