Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
