so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize